The Messy Middle: Why Coming Out Later in Life Gets Harder Before It Gets Easier

Hey there, friend! If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you feel like you’ve just set off a metaphorical stick of dynamite in the middle of your living room.

Maybe you’ve recently uttered the words "I’m gay" for the first time. Maybe you’re in the thick of a separation, or perhaps you’re still in that agonizing stage of figuring out how to come out to husband as lesbian.

Whatever stage you’re in, if it feels like your life has suddenly become ten times more complicated, more exhausting, and more "messy" than it was before you spoke your truth, I want you to take a deep breath.

You aren't doing it wrong. In fact, you’re right on schedule.

One of the hardest truths about being a late in life lesbian is that things almost always get harder before they get easier. We call this the "Messy Middle," and while it feels like chaos, it’s actually a vital part of your transformation.

The Closet Metaphor (And No, I Don’t Mean the One You Just Came Out Of!)

I often tell my clients that coming out later in life as a lesbian is a lot like cleaning out a disaster of a closet.

Think about that one closet in your house. You know the one. It’s stuffed to the gills with old coats, holiday decorations, shoes that hurt your feet, and boxes you haven't opened since 2012.

It’s a mess, but the door closes!

As long as that door is shut, the hallway looks fine. Guests don't see the chaos. You can walk past it every day and pretend everything is organized and "fitting" just fine.

But you know the truth. You know that if you try to put one more thing in there, the whole system might collapse. You know that finding what you actually need (like, say, your authentic self) is impossible in that heap.

Pulling Everything Out Onto the Floor

In order to actually fix the closet, you can’t just reach in and move a couple of hangers. You have to take everything out.

You have to dump the boxes on the bed. You have to pile the coats on the floor. You have to create a massive, overwhelming mountain of "stuff" right in the middle of your room.

This is exactly what happens when you decide to transition out of your marriage.

When you were still in the closet, everything "fit." You had the house, the husband, the routine, and the social standing. It might have been stifling, and you might have been miserable, but it was contained.

The moment you start the process of separation, you are essentially dumping your entire life onto the floor.

• Your living situation is up in the air.

• Your relationship with your husband is shifting into something unknown.

• Your children are processing big changes.

• Your social circle might be reacting in ways you didn't expect.

Suddenly, the mess is no longer hidden behind a closed door. It’s everywhere. It’s in your kitchen, it’s in your bank account, and it’s in your head 24/7.

The "Why Did I Do This?" Phase

This is the point in the journey where almost every late in life lesbian I coach hits a wall.

You’re standing in the middle of the room, looking at the piles of "stuff" everywhere, and you think: “What have I done? It was better when the door was just closed! I should have just left well enough alone.”

You might even feel a wave of regret. You might miss the "neatness" of the lie because the "mess" of the truth feels too heavy to carry.

(Trust me, I’ve been there. We all have!)

It’s completely normal to wonder why you decided to tackle this project in the middle of doing it. The emotional labor of coming out later in life as a lesbian is equivalent to a full-time job, and you’re likely doing it while still trying to be a mom, an employee, and a functioning human being.

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because you’ve reached the peak of the mountain of "stuff" on the floor.

It’s Okay to Take a Break

Here is a secret that many people won't tell you: You don't have to finish the whole closet in one day.

If you were cleaning a real closet and got overwhelmed, you might shove a few things aside, go get a coffee, and watch a movie to clear your head. You can do that here, too!

If the legal talk or the difficult conversations with your spouse are becoming too much, it is okay to pause. You can focus on something else for a bit. You can focus on your kids, your hobbies, or just getting through the work week.

Pausing doesn't mean you're going back into the closet. It just means you’re letting your nervous system catch its breath before you pick up the next "item" to sort through.

One Hanger at a Time

So, how do you get through the Messy Middle? You do it one step at a time.

You don't try to organize the whole life at once. You pick up one "shoe" (maybe that’s finding a therapist). You pick up one "shirt" (maybe that’s telling one trusted friend).

• Acknowledge the mess. Stop pretending it should feel "easy" or "graceful." It’s a mess! Give yourself permission to be a little unraveled.

• Focus on the next right thing. Don't worry about where you'll be living in three years. Just worry about what you need to do this Tuesday.

• Find your "cleaning crew." You don't have to do this alone. Having a community of women who are also sorting through their piles makes the work feel much lighter.

Why the Mess is Worth It

I know it’s hard to see it right now when you’re literally tripping over the debris of your old life. But I promise you, the "clean closet" is coming.

Eventually, you start putting things back in a way that actually makes sense for who you are now.

• You keep the parts of your life that bring you joy.

• You discard the expectations and "shoulds" that never fit you anyway.

• You make room for new things, like authentic queer joy and a partner who truly sees you.

Once you finish this process, you’re going to be so incredibly thankful you did.

You’ll wake up one day and realize that everything fits. Your life won't feel like a performance anymore. It will feel like yours.

Everything fits so much better when you aren't trying to force yourself into a space that wasn't built for you. You’ll realize that the "hard" part was just a temporary bridge to the "real" part.

You Don't Have to Clean Alone

If you are currently standing in the middle of your "messy room" and you feel like you're drowning in the "stuff," please know that I am here to help you sort through it.

You don't have to figure out how to come out to husband as lesbian or navigate the complexities of separation by yourself. In fact, it’s much easier (and less lonely) when you have support and connection with others who "get it".

If what you're craving most is community with others on this journey, I’d love to welcome you into a space filled with women who are in the Messy Middle, women who are just starting to open the closet door, and women who have already finished their "organization" and are living their best, most authentic lives.

Click here to learn more and join us in The Late Life Lesbian Community

If more private and personalized support feels it would be better for you, my FREE 4- day 1:1 Experience is a powerful place to start (especially when everything feels overwhelming).

Click here to learn more and complete the Interest Form for the 4-Day 1 on 1 Experience!

And remember, everything DOES get easier! Keep going. The feeling on the other side of the "mess" is absolutely wonderful! 🏳️‍🌈

-Emily