Am I Asexual? And Other Things CompHet Makes Us Believe

Hey there, friend! I am so glad you’re here.

If you’ve found yourself staring at the ceiling at 2:00 AM, googling "how to know if I have a low libido" or wondering if you might just be asexual because the idea of being intimate with your husband feels more like a chore than a want or desire... take a deep breath.

You aren't broken. You aren't weird. And you are definitely not alone!

In fact, if I had a dollar for every late in life lesbian who spent a few years (or a few decades) convinced they were simply asexual, I’d probably be writing this from a private island filled with rescued cats! 😺

The truth is, there is a very specific, very sneaky phenomenon called compulsory heterosexuality (or "CompHet" for those of us who like to save syllables) that acts like a thick fog over our true identities.

Today, we’re going to clear that fog. Let’s talk about why you might be questioning your sexuality, why you’ve been Googling "am I a lesbian quiz" for three weeks straight, and how CompHet has been pulling the strings all along.

The "I Must Be Broken" Phase

Most of us who realize we are gay later in life go through a period of thinking we just aren't "sexual people."

We see our friends talking about their "steamy" weekends or watching movies where the chemistry is palpable, and we feel... nothing. Or worse, we feel a sense of dread.

(Because let’s be real, if the "chemistry" everyone is talking about is supposed to be with a man, and you aren’t feeling it, the only logical conclusion our brains can find is: I guess I just don't like sex.)

This is where the confusion with asexuality often begins. Asexuality is a beautiful and valid identity where people experience little to no sexual attraction. But for many late bloomers, "asexuality" becomes a convenient shield. It feels safer to say "I don't like anyone" than to admit "I don't like him... because I actually like her."

What is Compulsory Heterosexuality (CompHet)?

So, what is this "CompHet" thing anyway?

Think of it as the default setting on a computer you didn't ask for. From the moment we are born, society, movies, religion, and our families tell us that being a woman means eventually finding a man, marrying him, and having babies.

It’s not just a "preference" we’re taught; it’s a requirement. It's compulsory.

CompHet is the voice in your head that says:

• "You just haven't met the right guy yet."

• "Sex is supposed to be something women 'endure' for their partners."

• "You're just tired/stressed/busy with the kids."

• "All women feel this way about their husbands after ten years, right?"

(Spoiler alert: Not necessarily!)

CompHet makes us believe that our lack of attraction to men is a personal failing rather than a sign you're a lesbian. It convinces us to perform a version of ourselves that fits into a heteronormative box, even if that box is suffocating us.

The Great "Am I a Lesbian" Quiz Rabbit Hole

Have you taken it? You know the one. Or maybe the ten different ones you found on the second page of Google search results. (I have one I created too. If you need another one, you can take it here. 😉)

We take these quizzes looking for permission. We want a computer algorithm to tell us what our hearts are already shouting. But CompHet is so powerful that even when the quiz says "Girl, you are 100% gay," we find ways to argue with it.

"Well," we think, "I liked that one actor in that one movie in 1998, so I must be bi." Or, "I enjoyed my wedding day, so I can't be a lesbian."

If you are looking for a sign, this is it. People who are genuinely, deeply straight do not spend their Friday nights taking quizzes to see if they might be gay. They just... don't. And another spoiler alert... they are NOT reading this article right now looking for answers!

Why Asexuality Feels Like a "Safe" Answer

For many of us in mixed-orientation marriages, the idea of being a late in life lesbian is terrifying. It means big changes. It means potentially hurting people we love. It means blowing up the life we’ve spent years building.

Asexuality feels like a "middle ground." If you’re asexual, you can stay in your marriage. You can tell yourself (and your partner) that it’s just a biological glitch. It feels less "dangerous" than admitting you have a deep, soul-level hunger for women.

But here’s the kicker: When you start to dismantle CompHet, you might find that your "low libido" magically disappears when you imagine being with a woman.

Suddenly, you aren't "broken" or "frigid" or "asexual." You’re just a person who has been trying to eat soup with a fork for twenty years! Of course you were frustrated!

Common Signs You're a Lesbian (and not just "Picky")

If you’re still sitting on the fence, let’s look at some common ways CompHet manifests as "asexuality" or "disinterest":

• The "To-Do List" Sex: You view intimacy as a chore to get over with, like folding laundry or cleaning the gutters.

• The Distraction Technique: During sex, you find yourself thinking about the grocery list, your work emails, or literally anything else to stay out of your body.

• The "Celebrity Crush" Exception: You only find men attractive if they are completely unattainable (actors, musicians) or if they are fictional characters.

• The Relief of Disinterest: You feel a secret sense of relief when your partner is too tired for sex or goes away on a business trip.

• The "Fast Forward" Button: You enjoy the cuddling or the emotional closeness, but you want to fast-forward through the "actual" sexual parts.

If these resonate when you think about sex and intimacy with men, but don't feel true when thinking about sex or intimacy with a woman, it’s time to consider that your lack of desire isn't about sex in general, it’s about heterosexual sex.

Dismantling the Myths

CompHet makes us believe so many lies. It tells us that our past experiences with men "prove" we aren't gay.

But listen to me: You can have had great sex with men and still be a lesbian. You can have loved your husband (and still love him!) and still be a lesbian.

Your past isn't a legal contract that dictates your future. You were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time. You were wearing those CompHet glasses, and they were tinted to make everything look "normal."

Now that the glasses are coming off, things might look a little messy. That’s okay! Messy is where the growth happens.

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

The transition from "I think I’m asexual/broken" to "Oh my god, I’m a lesbian" is a huge emotional lift. It’s heavy, it’s confusing, and it can feel incredibly isolating: especially if you’re still living a life that looks perfectly "straight" on the outside.

I’ve been there. I know the weight of that secret. And I also know the incredible, life-giving joy that happens when you finally step into your truth.

The most important thing to remember is that you aren't the only one going through this. There are thousands of us who have asked these exact same questions.

We have a space where you can ask the "stupid" questions, vent about the "Am I a Lesbian" quizzes, and find women who truly get it.

If you're looking for support, clarity, and a place to belong without judgment, I want to invite you to join us. You don’t have to figure out your entire life today. You just have to take one small step toward your own happiness.

Click here to join our supportive community of late bloomers!

OR... If you'd prefer a more private 1 on 1 setting to dive deeper into all these things you're thinking and feeling, I offer a FREE 4 day, 1 on 1 experience where you and I can talk through this together. You can check out and submit the Interest Form for that HERE.

Final Thoughts: Be Kind to Yourself

Whether you eventually decide you are asexual, gray-asexual, a lesbian, queer, or something else entirely, give yourself permission to explore.

CompHet is a powerful force, and unlearning it takes time. It’s like untangling a giant ball of yarn that’s been sitting in a drawer for thirty years. Be patient. Be gentle.

You are discovering who you are, and that is a beautiful, brave thing to do at any age.

(And seriously, stop retaking that quiz. You already know what it’s going to say! 😉)

Sending you so much love and clarity,

Emily

Need more resources? Check out our Resource Library or learn more about my journey here.